Friday 21 January 2011

Missed Movies: Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)


***WARNING***
THE FOLLOWING REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS AND THEREFORE MAYBE UNSUITABLE FOR SOME FUCKS. IT ALSO CONTAINS A HIDDEN MESSAGE WHICH CAN BE HEARD IF THE REVIEW IS RECORDED AND THEN PLAYED BACKWARDS
***YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED***


With the promise of absolutely nothing even remotely hopeful arriving in cinemas over the coming weeks I decided to watch a film from last year that I missed. Not wanting to tax my brain too much but wanting to be entertained I decided to take in the latest installment from a franchise which despite its overly apparent shitness I've actually found myself begrudgingly enjoying thus far. And so we enter the world of  'Resident Evil: Afterlife'.

'Resident Evil' was a film made back in 2002 based upon an already popular video game franchise which to date I have no interest in playing, yet somehow am following the plot of via friends or video game reviews.  It told the story of Alice who for no apparent reason other than to display Milla Yovovovovovovviches insanely thumb sized nipples awoke naked in a shower and surrounded by undead. From this point on Alice meets many popular characters from the games and gets awarded for completing each film with a new super power provided to her for some unexplained and rather nonsensical reason by the evil Umbrella corporation, the very corporation she has spent the entire franchise trying to destroy.

It would seem however that by the time Alice was ready to start tackling film four in order to upgrade her (and probably her third film clones) beyond superhuman form to all new withering heights the Umbrella Corp wised up and said...



and so the picture is set with Alice being normal again and setting off for (Hel)L-A in order to bash some zombie brains into the middle of some other zombie brains.

'Afterlife', much like the previous installments is much more of an action film than a horror film. Many fans of the games have criticized the movies for this, but I however being the much higher intellect think that the genre placement in the films is pitch perfect. Zombie horror has been done, and its been done well, if the filmmakers were to approach from that angle no doubt you would be left with a slow paced, boring shmutz which no-one would be interested in watching. With the action genre however you can cater for a larger audience, rack up the pace and throw in a jumpy moment or two to please the attention deficit types. 

The action in the fourth installment is big and splashy but has a faint stale smell about it. Constant slow motion/ regular motion seems to only exist in order for the film to show off its bits and wave them in your face like some kind of possessed male stripper with a helicopter fetish. This is in no doubt because the film was released in 3D, which I'm sure looked very impressive on the big screen but sat at home with my sizable home theater setup it just started to annoy me. It also ensures that the action takes a while to happen, there is one sequence where a big guy with a massive compensating hammer attacks Alice and Claire in a bathroom, when this begins you have enough time to walk away, make a cup of tea, cook a roast dinner, serve it to your entire family, eat it, play monopoly, then risk, then pictionary, write your memoirs, learn all the words to the song 'The Whirlwind' by the Transatlantics, move to poland and still get back to the film in time to see the big beastie meet his timely demise, only having missed a slide, a kick, a jump and two shotgun shots.

The actors for the most part are window dressing as is to be expected in a brain dead action film but special mention must go out to Shawn Roberts for the least interesting, most wooden performance as Albert Wesker, the worlds least intimidating super-villain. His final scene is a treat to bestow though what with the slow motion action, wooden acting, trench coat, glasses, dodging bullets, red pill, blue pill etcetera.

Its become apparent now that thematically, 'Resident Evil' has run its course. Even the games gave up on the Zombie Apocalypse by the time they got to game four. 'Afterlife' is without a doubt in my mind the weaker of the series thus far, like a mixture of the previous three but somehow watered down like a muddy cup of...mud. There will be no doubt a 'Resident Evil five', the very open ended ending of 'Afterlife' will lend itself well to an all action opening sequence for the inevitable sequel. I guess at the end of the day 'Resident Evil: Afterlife' is not without its merits, it killed time, it made me laugh once and made me want to re-watch the 'Matrix' for the umpteenth time. It never was going to be a life changing affaire, simply a half decent way to kill two hours, which it  does, kinda, i guess, maybe, for some, brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb.

Resident Evil: Afterlife gets...
                                                                                                                                                      1 out of 5                   

Friday 14 January 2011

The Green Hornet

***WARNING***
THE FOLLOWING REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS AND THEREFORE MAYBE UNSUITABLE FOR SOME FUCKS. IT IS ALSO PRESENTED IN REAL-D 3D IN ORDER TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE MANY MISTAKES CONTAINED WITHIN, AS SEEMS TO BE THE TREND THESE DAYS. 
***YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED***

Right Seth Rogan I have a bone to pick with you. Why is it that I keep spending my money on you and telling all my friends that your a decent bloke when all you seen to be doing in return is supplying me with evidence that proves me wrong and makes me out to be the biggest liar since that block came back in from a night out in Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945 and described the social scene as 'energetic'. Sure you got off to a good start but what exactly went wrong during the press tour for Knocked Up? I only ask because since then you seem to be lost, wandering the world of acting and writing in the same manner a fat man wanders around a salad cart, you just look so...out of your depth, which brings me to 'Green Hornet'.

Green Hornet is by no means a terrible film, its is however bad and fundamentally broken. The premiss itself doesn't really make much sense, a rich guy and a martial arts mechanic join forces to fight crime while simultaneously breaking the law in order make them stand out. Is it just me or does that idea take quite the superhuman leap in terms of believability? Scott Pilgrim was easier to get on board with and that contained a character who could kill you with his eyes because he was vegan. I do however feel that I can't blame the film for this, in my opinion the idea is not good enough to become an on screen feature. Now I haven't seen the original films, read the comics or heard the radio shows but I feel the issues I have with believability would be apparent in all of 'Green Hornets' forms

Another issue this film has (and it pains me to say this) is its director. Now I love Michel Gondry, he's produced some of recent memories most memorable and unique cinematic visuals but when it comes to Green Hornet he simply doesn't fit. With such a larger than life story and bigger than bold characters there isn't room for heaps of visual flair and alternative creativity. Its all very nice Michel but what it does is further remove you from an already hard to get into idea portrayed by actors who seem to have been miscast. This kind of film should have been handed to someone no imagination, Scorsese for example, finally we have a film that I feel would be improved by his presence.

Now I'm sure I wont be the only one, but i simply can't buy Rogan as a hero. Agreed in this he is more of an annoying bumbling idiot than a hero, but on the odd occasion where I was asked to believe he is beating up bad guys I just couldn't do it. Even with a lot less weight Rogan seems too oafish to be a hero. To translate how I feel about this try to imagine Mr Bean as James Bond...or go watch Johnny English.  

Jay Chou is fine as Kato but is really not the greatest actor, not that thats really required in this film seeing as most of the cast equal the talent one would find at any given X-Factor audition. As a pair Rogan and Chou completely lack chemistry, which i feel is the combined fault of Gondry, Rogan and Chou. 

I was however impressed with Edward James Olmos who criminally had a tiny part that consisted of about ten lines of dialogue.

Its becoming increasingly apparent the more I dribble on that I am not a big pan of 'The Green Hornet'. Its impossible to get sucked into, the stunning visuals aren't on par with the writing and the acting is for the most part is atrocious. The costumes, while staying true to the original concepts make all the good guys look like villains from the 1960's batman TV show which everyone saw as a joke in the 60's, let alone now. I guess thats pretty much how I view the film as a whole really, a bad, camp, cartoony and brain-dead superhero movie. What a fantastic way to introduce 2011 in film. But hey, at least its not Avatarded.

The Green Hornet gets...
                                                                                                                                                     1 out of 5