Green Lantern 3D

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A NEW WEBSITE CALLED 'THE EXPOSITIONIST'

BROUGHT TO YOU BY MYSELF AND THE FORMER OPTIMIST

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***WARNING***

THE FOLLOWING POST MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS AND CONTRADICTIONS THEREFORE IT MAYBE UNSUITABLE FOR SOME FUCKS.

 ***YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED***

This is a quote from my review of Sucker Punch:

     "It is usually at this point in the review where I give a summing up of a films good and bad points in order to give you (the readers) an idea as to whether the film is your cup of tea or not. I however have absolutely nothing good to say about Sucker Punch."

I now have something positive to say about it. Its 100% better than Green Lantern.

I have never in my life seen a film that is worse than Green Lantern. Every aspect of this cinematic abomination is broken and so covered in shit that it makes it hard to even think about. Nonetheless I am going to do my best to break this down for you.

I have enjoyed Ryan Reynolds in pretty much every film he has ever been in. Sure he's been in some stinkers, but much like Mark Wahlberg, Reynolds has always been entertaining to watch. His performance in last years Buried is way up in my top five favourite things to come out of hollywood in the past decade.  He however puts out such a terrible performance in this abysmally miscast monstrosity of a movie that I'm never going to be able to look at him in the  same way ever again. This is a piece of acting that could and maybe should break the mans career. Timothy Spall could have done a better job. Ryan doesn't seem to know what he's doing, he looses almost all human emotion in favour of looking dumbfounded and lost like some kind of misplaced dumpster baby for every minute of Green Lantern.

Other cast members include Mark Strong, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard and Tim Robbins. All of these actors can and have put out good work in the past, yet somehow manage to fall into the same trap as the rest of the film. Maybe its the lack of script or the haphazard, amateurish direction by Martin Campbell but there isn't honestly one decent performance contained within Green Hornets shit smeared breeches. And with THAT cast, I honestly don't understand how that happened. Oh, wait, yes I can ($$$$$).

The script is embarrassing. Imagine if you would, a piece of cheese. Now melt that cheese and water it down until it becomes clear, then blend in a big book full of the most stomach cringingly bad cliche's and continue to add water until even that becomes clear. Now add the mixture to source pan and boil the mixture until it evaporates into non existence. That is how bad this script is, its so bad that the film would actually be better off without one. There is zero character development, zero dramatic tension, zero pace, zero... well, anything. Its all one giant mess from start to finish.

Looks wise its completely perplexing. The estimated budget for this movie is $200 million, and I honestly have no idea where it was spent. Green Lantern is a special effects movie boasting the same amount of special effects as those god awful Star Wars prequels, only it looks a ton worse than they do. Not one single special effect is believable. It looks like somebody spent loads of money simply to create a CG animated film circa 1998. Think 'A Bugs Life' with ryan reynolds head badly comped on top of the action, that's what Green Lantern looks like. The costumes are disgusting, the sets look incomplete and lifeless and the multiple alien characters are worse than boring. Even the real life photography back on earth doesn't appear to have been shot anywhere that resembles the planet upon which we inhabit with every location shot looking like it was shot on a cardboard cut out  studio backlot. That kind of work requires a talent so "special" that even Hellen Keller wouldn't have been able to come close to approximating it.

In terms of action Green Lantern never gets going. There are a few moments where the film tries and fails to build tension and pace only to cut straight to a lengthy segment where Hal receives yet another pep talk from his babble of friends. There is almost a sequence where a large group of the Green Lantern Corp' move in to attack the big black cloud that serves as the movies major villain. It was enough to make me sit up in fact as I figured that the film was finally about to get going, sadly this sequence lasted approximately fifteen seconds before it cut back to Hal being mopey and useless, again.

So how do I wrap this mess up? I've just recently ranted about the state of the polished turds that Hollywood keeps squeezing out of its well tailored rectum, so I can't go don that route. I can't even go down the cash cow line seeing as Jack Sparrow's latest abortion took me there. I guess all I can really do is stress that this is THE worst film I've ever had the misfortune to have seen. Its worse than Transformers, Hangover Part 2, Sucker Punch, Reindeer Games, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything.

Green Lantern gets...

NO RATING 

BECAUSE ITS NOT EVEN WORTHY OF A 

BAD ONE.

FUCK GREEN LANTERN