The Falsification Of Hope

***WARNING***

THE FOLLOWING REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS AND CONTRADICTIONS THEREFORE IT MAYBE UNSUITABLE FOR SOME FUCKS. IT WAS ALSO WRITTEN WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON IN MIND, SO IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU READ FUCKING WELL SUBSCRIBE. DICKS. 

 ***YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED***

I woke up this morning expecting today to be a relatively uneventful affair. Little did I know that when I booted up my internet and browsed the days listings at my local Odeon regime that I would stumble across what has to be the best film I have seen in my life thus far. I am obviously referring to Robbie Coltrane's literary and directorial debut, 'The Falsification Of Hope'.

For those you you who have had your head embedded a quarter mile up your own excretive opening for the past month or so, 'The Falsification' is set in the year 2872 and follows Bruce Willis as a weathered and fantastically crazy space cowboy called Bandit 2095. Bandit who simply wants to return home and have a bath is given one final mission to locate and destroy a secret base in the Zepitar quadrant where the evil emperor Ytsan has been keeping as his prisoner the beautiful fish princess Brabblegoch.

My initial reaction the the story line was that of utter confusion and despair, but Coltrane's apparent talent as a director sucks you in almost immediately, after only ten minutes I was invested in Willis's character and moved almost to the point of tears when he had to perform a rendition of Bryan Adams's "Straight From The Heart" in order to pay his beer tab. From that scene onwards the film moves seamlessly from one heart pounding moment to the next while tying in aspects of horror, action, sci-fi, musical and family feel good genre's almost seamlessly. My favorite scene was to be found about two hours and fifteen minutes in when Bandit has to fly his spaceship into a sun while simultaneously trying to reactivate his credit card over the phone with an arab lady, who was played to perfection by Jeff Bridges in a Gollum like, motion capture role. The scene is, in my opinion oscar worthy and if Joe Pantoliano doesn't get a nomination for his portrayal as the ships computer then my already faltering faith in the movie industry may well be lost forever.

As you may have worked out, 'The Falsification Of Hope' features a star studded cast that will never be topped. Bruce Willis, Jeff Bridges, Joe Pantoliano, Sarah Jessica Parker, Tom Hanks, Anthony Hopkins, Kid Rock, Tommy Lee Jones, Kevin Spacey, Pamella Anderson, Billie Piper, Timothy Spall, Morgan Freeman and Kevin Costner make up only a third of the billing in this magnum opus. There is not a single bad performance amongst the cast, including surprisingly Spall who steals every scene he is in with his dastardly mustard stain character. What is rather shocking about this cast however is how well they appear to work together. You'd expect this many ego's in one film who overpower the story but it seems as if every actor in the piece has taken a step back and allowed Coltrane's god like penmanship to lay waste to the audience ye olde testament style.

Artistically the film is ground braking. Every single shot, including the sporadic close ups and inserts appear to be so thought out and cleverly constructed that there isn't a millisecond of screen time that goes by without your breath being whisked away on the sweet Coltraneian air. The super slow motion shots of the naked goddesses of babalons literally had my manhood weeping silky tears of joy, not only because of the naked bodies of perfection being shown but also because of how the shot panned across ever so gracefully conveying not only the joy of the moment but also the sadness of the bleak landscape set against the backdrop of the puprle sunset. Never has a shot been so uplifting and exciting while provoking such a visceral display of emotion, the packed out cinema audience I was with demanded the film be stopped for thirty minutes while we all gave a standing ovation to display our admiration for the image.   

Thus far everything within this review has been unsettlingly positive, so I feel it is my duty as a critic to point out where the film fails. It is way too short. At a mere 209 minutes 'The Falsification' is over way before its reached it peak. Quite why Coltrane couldn't release his 769 minute directors cut is beyond me as I would have sat through every second as happy as a pig fresh from herding sheep being presented with a humungous pile of shit. That aside I have nothing negative to say.

To sum up then 'The Falsification Of Hope' is the optimal cinematic experience. It has warmth, depth and will entertain any audience of any age. It is clearly a project born out of love and will in no doubt change peoples lives. It has got a rather short cinematic release schedule though so do please see it while you can. This film proves that cinema isn't dead, that there is indeed hope for the medium yet. Most of recent memories films have left me despairing and withdrawn, even most of the better ones aren't on par with the films of yesteryear. In fact I'll go on record as saying that if this film hadn't been made right here and now, then cinema would have indeed become a parody of itself and thus totally pointless. It would simply exist as a money making contemptible monster of greed thats job it is to fill the pockets of the selfish and low, leaving the consumers at mass to be constantly dumbed by stupid romantic comedies and period drama's.

Thank you Robbie Coltrane, THANK YOU!

The Falsification of Hope gets...

                                                                                                                               6 out of 5