Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2D)

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'The Pirates Of The Carribean' movie franchise is somewhat of a grey area for me. I avoided seeing the first one for about two years on the basis that there hadn't been a decent pirate movie for years and the trailers made it look like typical live action Disney fodder much like 'The Four Musketeers' or 'Herbie: Fully Loaded'. I was however dating someone who loved Johnny Depp and inevitably got forced into watching it in exchange of more pleasurable activities. What happened was strange, I tried really hard not to like it, pointing out errors, plot holes and bad acting, but by the end of the first act I found myself having fun and loosing myself the world of pirates, cursed ships and buried treasure. To this day the first 'Pirates' movie is amongst my favorite guilty pleasure flicks and deserving so. The two sequels were not so impressive. The second one was a messy affair, too many big action beats separated by endless scenes setting up the third part which was near enough unwatchable. 'Pirates 3' was slow, not funny and about as entertaining at an appendectomy while dead. It was, by a long shot, my least favourite film of 2007.

So as I took my seat at my local Odeon regime, I was fearing the worst. 'Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides' is the prime example of a film that does not need to happen. It only exists because Disney want to make more money and know that the sheep like world population will flood to see the film in their droves, thus making lots of money for people who already have way too much. And in my opinion, this is reflected in the film itself.

'Pirates 4' has almost no significance to its three predecessors and rightly so. This is a spin off, and has near enough nothing to do with the trilogy that made it famous. The basic story is that everyone is trying to find the fountain of youth, Jack Sparrow knows where it is and so has to lead his enemies straight to it. There you go, plot done.

The trouble I have with this plot is that it somehow doesn't feel like it fits into the 'Pirates' universe. To me, it felt like an 'Indianna Jones' rejection script, retooled to feature Johnny Depp and his band of merry rapists. Its not overly engaging or exciting, its spread to thin over the films lengthy running time and doesn't amount to anything when all is said and done.

Cast wise is were you will find 'Pirates 4's most likable aspects. Depp does his usual thing as cpt. Jack, something we all know too well by now. Geoffrey Rush earns massive praise and for my money puts out the best performance of the film, at times he steals the show away from Depp while solidifying that should there be more of these films, then he needs to be a part of it. Penelope Cruz does a bang up job as Jack's love interest/rival, the two spark off rather enjoyable sexual chemistry and the scenes featuring the two of them are amongst the films best. Ian McShane does a decent enough job as Blackbeard, though I would like to have seen a bigger performance in order to compete with Depp and Rush. And by far the biggest bonus is the complete lack of those emotionless, dead wooden blocks found in the first three films. We all know who I am referring to.

On the character down side there is a priest in the film who did nothing but get on my tits the entire time. Why is it that these films always have to have one guy who everyone wants to shoot but never actually does. This time around it was a 'man of the cloth', a representation I feel these films doesn't really need. He has a fit body to please the ladies which I guess is the only reason they threw him into the mix but you have Johnny Depp already sexing up the proceedings enough to please the young ladies of the audience. Its a sure fire way to ensure the character gets forgotten, or at least he would be if he wasn't blatantly set up for a bigger role in the sequel which will undoubtedly follow in a couple more years. 

The direction of the film by Rob Marshall is standard at best, but to be fair to him this is really a film driven by its actors and not the direction. The film is pacey enough and keeps within its intended feel which is about all I expected from him.

The script is terrible and almost devoid of fun. The action beats in the film are almost copy and pasted from the previous installments and the dialogue leaves a lot to be desired. It wasn't even as funny as it could have been, relying too heavily on Depp to do his funny walk and act the fool, a routine that frankly is getting about as stale as Steve Erwins corpse.

I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I say about 'Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides' because everyone will see it and it will make more money than God. To that end it will be a success. 'Pirates 4' is a product of greed and has no interest in pleasing its fans. Its about stealing money from the masses from beginning to end, proving that the only true pirates in 'Pirates 4' are the Disney executives that put it into production.

'Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides gets...

1.5 out of 5