Beneath The Planet Of The Apes (1970)

WARNING

THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.

IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS THEN DON'T READ THE BITS WRITTEN IN RED.

OTHER THAN THIS BIT, OBVIOUSLY.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Planet Of The Apes was a total success in pretty much every conceivable way. It pulled in seven times it's own budget at the box office, it transcended the genre within which it was based and set wheels into motion that would revolutionise cinema come the mid 1970's. So it is understandable that producer Arthur P. Jacobs would rush into production a sequel in order to further cash in on the phenomenon. However, sadly for the film makers, Charlton Heston wasn't so keen on the idea and refused to participate unless his character got killed off during the opening scenes. Arthur P. eventually persuaded Heston to stick around for a bit more of the film and hired James Franciscus as a new lead to make up for the loss of Heston. So armed with a new leading man, a more optimistic story idea and half the budget of the original film Arthur P. Jacobs and new director Ted Post set to work on creating one of the worst sequels in cinema history.

Beneath The Plant Of The Apes picks up exactly where the first film left off. We follow Taylor (Charlton Heston) and Nova (Linda Harrison) around for five minutes until, suddenly Taylor trips over and vanishes, mystically into a rock wall. Cut to our new hero Brent played by James Franciscus who bumps into Nova before the pair set off to try and find Taylor.

It should become abundantly clear to anyone paying attention that Beneath The Planet Of The Apes is going to be a steaming pile of ape shit after witnessing the original films main character literally vanish into thin air like a fart in front of a fan. It's a cheap, lazy piece of writing that sets the precedent for the entire film which continues to excrete all over itself at every given opportunity.

Part of what makes the first film so great is the fact that, on some of its most basic levels, it could theoretically happen. It never tries to stretch the levels of disbelief and plays everything perfectly straight thus making the film more interesting and terrifying. Unfortunately Beneath The Planet Of The Apes doesn't make any such attempts, even going as far as to introduce a mutant race of super humans into the mix during the films second act. One could say that the second Planet Of The Apes film goes completely bananas! (I'm so sorry)

Cast wise everything works ok with the exception of leading man James Franciscus. Obviously hired because he looks a little like Heston and was told to growl his lines in very much the same way makes Brent appear more like a parody of Taylor rather than a different character entirely. James aside we see the familiar ape makeup covered faces of Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans and Roddy McDowell although the smaller budget does take it's toll on the makeup which this time round seems a lot less convincing.

The script is (as I've previously hinted) atrocious. The more interesting themes of the first film are abandoned almost entirely in order to make way for a very on the nose statement about nuclear armageddon, even going as far as to make a nuclear missile the leading antagonist of the film. Also shoehorned into the mix a scene depicting a public, peaceful protest, which is in no doubt a direct reference to the protests being carried out across America during the late 60's. Untalented director Ted even decided to shoot the scene handheld in order to give it 'documentary style' realism. The end result however just makes the scene feel like a forced effort to try and relate to the masses of the time, which unsurprisingly is exactly what the scene was intended for. 

Another failing comes in the ear raping, headache inducing cinematic soundtrack. The superb contributions of Gerry Goldsmith are sadly missed this time around with a new score being brought to our ears by Leonard Rosenman. His score, unlike Goldsmith's is up front, stereotypical and distracting. 

Beneath Of The Planet Of The Apes final insult on the senses takes place during its ham handed, all over the place climactic third act. After an incredibly hilarious scene where the super human mutant race sing 'All Things Bright And Beautiful' to a bomb comes a shootout between the apes and the humans. The writers, clearly having written themselves into a corner opt to kill off every single character in one scene and close the film with a voiceover stating that the world exploded. I almost couldn't believe my eyes as the credits started to roll, it came so out of left field that had I not been bored to tears and half asleep I may have been forced to audibly question what had just happened. But trust me, I wound it back and re-watched it, that really is how this disaster of a film ends. Outstanding on every level!

Let this be a lesson to all aspiring filmmakers out there. Should you be put in charge of creating the sequel to one of cinema's greatest accomplishments, don't do what these people did. Decide instead to not make the film. Simply go straight to the cinema's yourself and take the biggest, curry induced shit all over the audience members. I guarantee that not only will they have a better time than they would had they watched this piece of garbage but they'll respect you a hell of a lot more too.

Beneath The Planet Of The Apes gets...

0.5 out of 5