Battle For The Planet Of The Apes (1973)

WARNING

THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.

IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS THEN DON'T READ THE BITS WRITTEN IN RED.

OTHER THAN THIS BIT, OBVIOUSLY.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

"...Somewhere along the line of history this bloody chain reaction has got to stop. A destroys B, B destroys C, C destroys A and is destroyed by D who destroys E. Before anyone knows where they are there wont be anyone left to know anything anywhere."

                                                                 -Some Mutant Arsehole, Battle For The Planet Of The Apes

While I'm fully aware that this quote makes about as much sense as an indigo badger with a beak, it actually does do quite a good job of summing up this floundering franchise. With every new sequel to the original Planet Of The Apes more and more harm is done to the overall story. It's never intentional harm, the truth in fact is that while each film tries to answer the questions raised by the previous entry, it unwittingly brings up and fails to resolve more of its own like some kind of pretentious two thousand and something TV show about people trapped on a mysterious island. Writer Paul Dehn managed to put an end to this nonsense with film four but at the behest of money hungry producer Arthur P. Jacobs, Dehn was forced to conjure up another story for the franchises final installment, Battle For The Planet Of The Apes.

Battle' picks up the story an unspecified amount of time after the closing moments of COTPOTA. The ape and human races have almost been completely wiped out by an atomic explosion. Apes rule over the world but are living side by side with humans peacefully. This has caused some tension amongst members of both species but most evidently that tension is provided by the Gorillas. This minor conflict, mixed with an angry soon to be mutant human race soon causes a civil war, in a fight over who gets ultimate control over earth.

My biggest issue with all of this is that it really doesn't need to exist at all. COTPOTA wrapped everything up so well that I was perfectly capable of piecing the rest of the timeline together for myself. By watching film one, I know how this battle is going to end and who will ultimately come out victorious, so why spend 1.76 million dollars telling me? Money is obviously the answer, cause it sure as shit ain't to entertain me. Battle' is the third film of five in this franchise to bore the arse off me. It's scene after scene of endless drivel, some adequate performances and low budget action.


Acting wise, like I said, Battle' is just about adequate. As usual the best performance can be found under Roddy McDowell's cheesy ape mask. Also returning and putting in an ok job is Austin Stoker as Caesars right hand man MacDonald. The rest of the cast are relatively forgettable. If I sound less than infused on this point it's because I am, I really couldn't give a monkey's at this point. (Will this madness never end!)


Thematically this film stands up about as well as the other ones. Animal cruelty, slavery, social class and racism supply the franchise mainstay themes with the addition of war added to the mix this time around. There isn't really any outstanding message to take away from the film more than 'war is bad, people can be bad, some people are good', that sort of thing. I appreciate the effort being put into this aspect of the film but by the time film five rolls around, it will have gotten more stale than my trainers after a long, uphill run.


As has been the issue with most of this franchise, I can't really talk about the film without brining up its ending which in this instance has been left open to interpretation. The final plot point in the film comes when Ape leader, Caesar decides that he is going to ensure that history doesn't repeat itself. Something which he plans to do by making both apes and humans equals in society. It isn't revealed however whether this plan worked or not. The final shot of Battle' is of a statue of the now dead Caesar, shedding a single solitary tear. This can signify one of two things. Choice A is that his plan succeeded, and everyone lived happily ever after. The second Choice is B that it ultimately failed. Being the pragmatic pessimist that I am, I like to think that his plan failed miserably, with the massacre of everyone on the entire planet, thus leaving this franchise dead and buried for all eternity.


So there we have it, the final installment of the original Planet Of The Apes franchise. It has had its up, and a lot more downs but when all is said and done, I'm glad I trudged my way through it. It could have easily ended, and probably should have done, at film one. It could also have ended with film four. But instead it ended with five, the very much unneeded, tagged on sequel. 


If there is a lesson to be learned from this franchise its that sequels can really wind up hurting the film from which they were birthed. Six days ago, when I first watched Planet Of The Apes, I loved it. Sure it was dated and a little slow in places, but when all is said and done, it was a decent way to spend my afternoon. Now, after watching it's illegitimate litter of runts, I look upon Planet Of The Apes in a dull, lifeless light, its a place I don't want to visit again. Sad really, but that's what a bad sequel or three can do.


Battle For The Planet Of The Apes gets... 

1 out of 5

Conquest For The Planet Of The Apes (1972)

WARNING

THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.

IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS THEN DON'T READ THE BITS WRITTEN IN RED.

OTHER THAN THIS BIT, OBVIOUSLY.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

I really couldn't be bothered to watch Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes (COTPOTA). After watching part three of the original five movies I had the strongest feeling that the franchise was bound to be one depressing drastic duffer after another. However once I finally forced myself down in order to tough out COTPOTA I begrudgingly found myself to be experiencing an emotion strangely close to satisfaction.

The biggest issue I had with Escape From The Planet Of The Apes was how boring it was. I learned nothing new at all and found myself waiting endlessly for something to happen, it was less than a-peal-ing (again, so sorry). COTPOTA on the other hand is tightly structured, quite well written, interesting and exciting enough to have kept me entertained four its entire eighty minute running time.

The story picks up in the 1990's. All of the worlds cat and dogs have been wiped out after some kind of plague, causing the human race to turn to apes as their main source for domesticated house pets. However after a short time people realised the learning potential when it comes to apes and soon the species is enslaved. Caesar (The worlds only talking ape, born of Cornelius and Zira from the first three installments) is forced into hiding when the government realise that he may be a danger to the future of the human race and so attempts to blend in with the slaves. As a slave he is witness to the amount mistreatment the apes suffer at the hands of the humans and so decides to lead a revolt against the human race and allow the apes to claim the earth for themselves.

The story is interesting and caused an intriguing amount of conflict within me. On one hand I was egging the apes on, agreeing that they had to punish the humans for the years of pain and anguish caused, while on the other hand I couldn't really route for the apes because, if they were to succeed in their plight then that would cause the human race to be wiped out and set wheels into motion that would lead to Charlton Hestons comeuppance on the original planet of the apes. This conundrum is something which the filmmakers abuse very well during the course of the film and is played out expertly by Roddy McDowall, this time portraying Caesar.

Roddy's performance in COTPOTA is by far his best of the entire franchise. He's always stood out to me as being able to project his character very well through the heavy and often silly looking makeup but his character's transformation in this film is something which should be applauded. When COTPOTA starts, you like the character and sympathise with him. By its end he is a scary, power hungry sole hell bent on revenge. This transformation happens subtlety and smoothly throughout the full running time of the feature and I for one loved it. There aren't really any other major performances that stand out during the film but Roddy's stands out and is strong enough to carry the entire film effortlessly.

As has become to be expected with this franchise, COTPOTA is riddled with underlying themes. This time around the major focus is upon slavery, and how human beings will always abuse their right over others. The obvious parallels between the enslaving of the apes and the abundant use of black slaves in our not so distant history is even reference directly in the film when the films only black character, MacDonald, supports and aids Caesar at the start of the rebellion.

Direction wise the films is mostly a success. The film captures the right mood and tone for the duration, something which even the first Planet Of The Apes didn't quite do. It would however be fair to say that there are a couple of moments in the film when the direction feels a little forced and ham handed, most notably in the scene when Caesar is introduced to the other slaves in the compound. Thankfully though, this scene and the few other slightly dodgy ones pass quickly and are soon forgotten in favour of COTPOTA's greater moments. It's not surprising that after this, director J. Lee Thompson was kept on in order to make the franchises final installment.

My final piece of praise goes out to the writing of COTPOTA which I thought was fantastically well thought through. What writer Paul Dehn did with this film was bring the entire franchise round full circle, tying up the story, the characters and the themes perfectly. What his film does better than any other intended franchise closer that comes to mind, is not only puts and end to the story once and for all, but also opens up perfectally for the beginning of film one. If you were insane and had way to much time on your hands then you could theoretically go straight from watching COTPOTA to watching film one and have the two films marry together seamlessly, thus causing the infinite loop that the franchise as a whole depicts. Its very clever, it really sparked my imagination and caused me to think, something which not one of the other sequels managed. This was Paul's intent when he wrote it and for my money he succeeded, it's just a shame that producer Arthur P. Jacobs went into production on film five after this, pretty much ruining all the hard work Paul put in to begin with. I'm not however going to hold this against COTPOTA, but you can bet your ass it's going to hurt Battle For The Planet Of The Apes ratings when I write about that one!

In short, COTPOTA is a decent sequel and would have been a fantastic ending to this very much flawed franchise. It's also worth noting that this film only cost 1.8 million dollars to make, proving that a hefty budget doesn't necessarily make a good, entertaining film.

Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes gets...

                                     

3.5 out of 5, its top banana (again I'm so, so sorry)

Escape From The Planet Of The Apes (1971)

WARNING

THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.

IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS THEN DON'T READ THE BITS WRITTEN IN RED.

OTHER THAN THIS BIT, OBVIOUSLY.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

After suffering through this franchises tragic second part I went into Escape From The Planet Of The Apes with understandably low expectations. I was however somewhat intrigued as to where the story was going to go after having witnessed all the characters explode in text form during the closing moments of film two. So without hesitation I charged head first into the franchises most boring installment thus far.

Some rather speedy plot fudging starts off the story by revealing that Cornelius and Zira managed to escape earth in 3978 A.D in one of the two broken down spacecrafts from the first two films. It isn't explained how they learned to fly the ships, or really how they happened to find them in the middle of the danger zone but, like it or not, they made it off the planet before Heston blew it all up. A couple of moments later comes the realisation that not only did the apes make it off earth in time, but they also jumped back in time to present day (1973). Soon Cornelius and Zira make a new home for themselves on earth, only to have their peace torn asunder by some unmotivated dick head in a suit who simply wants to kill the ape couple in order to save his own ass.

So there we have it, it's a re telling of the first film but this time with the roles reversed and the apes having to deal with our human bullshit instead of the other way around. It's a story that, once you've seen film one, feels utterly pointless. 

To make matters worse the pacing on the film is about as slow as my granny on ketamine. For the entire first hour viewers are treated to a complete retreading of the story thus far, something which, if you're bothering to watch the third film, you should already know. Its as if the producers wanted to reboot the films after the poor reception of the second one, but rather than ditching the story arc altogether they insist on trying to string it all in to one gigantic shit bundle. The very few new plot developments in Escape From The Planet Of The Apes are predictable, boring and only further the idea that this franchise really doesn't have anywhere else to go.

Tonally the series makes an odd turn in Escape. Rather than sticking with the franchises successful blend of action-adventure, the writers have gone with a more comedic lighter hearted tone. This move fails in very dramatically. Every intentional joke the script tries to make falls completely flat, causing the film to loose whatever edge it may have had to begin with. It reminds me in many ways of the 5th Star Trek motion picture, but even that had a level of charm, something Escape From The Planet Of The Apes has next to none of.  

My other major issue with the film comes in the form of its soundtrack, this time marking the return of the mighty Gerry Goldsmith. It would seem though that dear old Gerry has suffered some kind of major stroke since 1968, producing here one of the cheesiest motion picture soundtracks I've ever heard. I suspect that this was supposed to reflect what was popular at the time seeing as the soundtrack bares a striking resemblance to another 1971 classic, Shaft. I didn't dig it!

On the up side pretty much every actor does an OK job. Despite the ludicrous story and sloppy script the actors manage to maintain some level of dignity. It also helps having both Roddy McDowell and Kim Hunter return who, despite makeup which appears to be getting worse with each new film, manage portray their apey alter ego's just as well as they did in films one and two.

Sadly though, the acting quality being acceptable is just about the only thing that makes Escape From The Planet Of The Apes a better film than Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Its not a very good film at all. It's slow, badly written and incredibly boring.

Escape From The Planet Of The Apes gets...

1 out of 5

Beneath The Planet Of The Apes (1970)

WARNING

THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.

IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS THEN DON'T READ THE BITS WRITTEN IN RED.

OTHER THAN THIS BIT, OBVIOUSLY.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Planet Of The Apes was a total success in pretty much every conceivable way. It pulled in seven times it's own budget at the box office, it transcended the genre within which it was based and set wheels into motion that would revolutionise cinema come the mid 1970's. So it is understandable that producer Arthur P. Jacobs would rush into production a sequel in order to further cash in on the phenomenon. However, sadly for the film makers, Charlton Heston wasn't so keen on the idea and refused to participate unless his character got killed off during the opening scenes. Arthur P. eventually persuaded Heston to stick around for a bit more of the film and hired James Franciscus as a new lead to make up for the loss of Heston. So armed with a new leading man, a more optimistic story idea and half the budget of the original film Arthur P. Jacobs and new director Ted Post set to work on creating one of the worst sequels in cinema history.

Beneath The Plant Of The Apes picks up exactly where the first film left off. We follow Taylor (Charlton Heston) and Nova (Linda Harrison) around for five minutes until, suddenly Taylor trips over and vanishes, mystically into a rock wall. Cut to our new hero Brent played by James Franciscus who bumps into Nova before the pair set off to try and find Taylor.

It should become abundantly clear to anyone paying attention that Beneath The Planet Of The Apes is going to be a steaming pile of ape shit after witnessing the original films main character literally vanish into thin air like a fart in front of a fan. It's a cheap, lazy piece of writing that sets the precedent for the entire film which continues to excrete all over itself at every given opportunity.

Part of what makes the first film so great is the fact that, on some of its most basic levels, it could theoretically happen. It never tries to stretch the levels of disbelief and plays everything perfectly straight thus making the film more interesting and terrifying. Unfortunately Beneath The Planet Of The Apes doesn't make any such attempts, even going as far as to introduce a mutant race of super humans into the mix during the films second act. One could say that the second Planet Of The Apes film goes completely bananas! (I'm so sorry)

Cast wise everything works ok with the exception of leading man James Franciscus. Obviously hired because he looks a little like Heston and was told to growl his lines in very much the same way makes Brent appear more like a parody of Taylor rather than a different character entirely. James aside we see the familiar ape makeup covered faces of Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans and Roddy McDowell although the smaller budget does take it's toll on the makeup which this time round seems a lot less convincing.

The script is (as I've previously hinted) atrocious. The more interesting themes of the first film are abandoned almost entirely in order to make way for a very on the nose statement about nuclear armageddon, even going as far as to make a nuclear missile the leading antagonist of the film. Also shoehorned into the mix a scene depicting a public, peaceful protest, which is in no doubt a direct reference to the protests being carried out across America during the late 60's. Untalented director Ted even decided to shoot the scene handheld in order to give it 'documentary style' realism. The end result however just makes the scene feel like a forced effort to try and relate to the masses of the time, which unsurprisingly is exactly what the scene was intended for. 

Another failing comes in the ear raping, headache inducing cinematic soundtrack. The superb contributions of Gerry Goldsmith are sadly missed this time around with a new score being brought to our ears by Leonard Rosenman. His score, unlike Goldsmith's is up front, stereotypical and distracting. 

Beneath Of The Planet Of The Apes final insult on the senses takes place during its ham handed, all over the place climactic third act. After an incredibly hilarious scene where the super human mutant race sing 'All Things Bright And Beautiful' to a bomb comes a shootout between the apes and the humans. The writers, clearly having written themselves into a corner opt to kill off every single character in one scene and close the film with a voiceover stating that the world exploded. I almost couldn't believe my eyes as the credits started to roll, it came so out of left field that had I not been bored to tears and half asleep I may have been forced to audibly question what had just happened. But trust me, I wound it back and re-watched it, that really is how this disaster of a film ends. Outstanding on every level!

Let this be a lesson to all aspiring filmmakers out there. Should you be put in charge of creating the sequel to one of cinema's greatest accomplishments, don't do what these people did. Decide instead to not make the film. Simply go straight to the cinema's yourself and take the biggest, curry induced shit all over the audience members. I guarantee that not only will they have a better time than they would had they watched this piece of garbage but they'll respect you a hell of a lot more too.

Beneath The Planet Of The Apes gets...

0.5 out of 5